So here's a fun mental exercise to see how well you know your significant other.
On the show The Office Jim knows everything about Pam, what she likes and more importantly, what she doesn't like. When Andy decides to ask Pam out, he seeks out Jim for advice. Jim proceeds to tell Andy to do and be everything that Pam hates. She sweetly endures the barrage of horrible advances, unwilling to spoil Jim's fun.
If someone wanted to ask out your significant other (or would-be significant other) on a date, what horrible things would you tell them to ensure their absolute failure?
For Justin: "Okay sweetie, here's what you have to do..."
Arrive in the following ensemble: denim jacket, sequined tube top, and mom capris with embroidery around the bottom hem. Accessorize with big hoop earrings, a chunky metal chain necklace, a lot of bangling charm bracelets, and (at this point Justin visibly shuddered) a couple toe rings. Also carry a purse that wouldn't be qualifiable as an airport carry-on, and would be all kinds of blinged out.
Drive to Applebees in conversational silence. Allow the blaring of cheap and easy pop music to fill the car. And be sure to drum along on the dashboard with your very acrylic nails... on the offbeats.
Once in the restaurant, make sure the conversation centers on the truth in your feelings, a myriad of complex topics upon which your opinions are both stalwartly immobile and utterly unsubstantiated, and how tomorrow never comes. Emphasize consumer culture; denounce bravery and hard work. Make sure you appear to be the victim of every situation life throws at you.
It would also help if you think you have every medical condition known to man. Hypochondria is the new sexy. Be sure to tell him you have an undiagnosed allergy to gluten and that wheat makes you sleepy and fat.
When he agrees (because every gentleman has his breaking point), be sure to ridicule him loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear.
Tell lots of "m'urse" jokes.
After a delightful plate of spinach cooked in vinegar and baloney sandwiches heaped with raw onions and topped with mayo (because they totally serve that at Applebees, right?) leave the table an appalling disaster. Make sure it is as messy as possible. Excuse the untidiness with a laugh and rudely remark that it's the waiter's job to clean it up. And when he tries to tip well tell him he is throwing his money away. They don't work hard enough to get a tip.
Use slang whenever possible. And please, for the love of God, don't pronounce the 't' in mountains.
Back at your door, with no subtlety, invite him into your unkempt trailer, which if possible should be illuminated in the flickering glow of florescent lights. Place the large terrareum holding your sweet pet baby, a twelve foot boa constrictor, clearly within view.
With Firefly flickering on the TV in the background, put on all your charm. Raise your eyebrows and flick your tongue out to reveal a large metal tongue stud.
After vomiting profusely all over the doorstep, Justin will excuse himself to gargle lots and lots of whiskey. ... which you should offer him from your pantry.
