How to Bathe a Pair of Scalawags

"How to's" seem an easy way to describe the impossibility of being a parent, thus, below I give you: "How to Bathe a Pair of Scalawags."

Step 1: Obtain a pair of filthy scalawags. This shouldn't be difficult. The young female crawls everywhere and through everything. Her socks and suits which start white will conclude the day a dusky gray (if we're lucky). Also, she is utterly amused by spitting at the most inopportune moments, like seconds after taking a bite of pureed peas. And she co-owns a bulldog. Enough said. The bulldog co-owner is a boy. And loves eating macaroni and cheese with his fingers. Enough said.

Elect to bathe the boy first. Gather accouterments of tub-time: towel, green incredible-hulk soap, blueberry-faced sponge, cup, duck, boat, Q-tips, clean clothes, fresh diaper, water, boy. Gathering the final item will take the most effort as, the second he learns it is bath time, he will run screaming into the kitchen and fold himself into armadillo defense. Carry/roll said boy into the bathroom. Once he sees the duck all will be well with the universe again. Remove child's clothes and diaper, leave in a pile on the floor while rushing to get momentarily not screaming child into the tub.

Wet the blueberry sponge. You will be distracted, so the boy will take the opportunity to snatch the cup fill it up and poor the contents out... not in the tub, on the floor, and over his clothes and diaper, and around the electronic scale, drenching the bathmat... cause if Noah has to be wet, so does everything else. Watch the water soak through his clothes and diaper lying on the floor. Sigh. The distraction of watching your bathroom being baptized will turn your gaze to the door, where a dirty little munchkin is wriggling her way towards you with a squinty grin on her face. Panic. "No no, Hannah!" you will cry out. This will upset her. Greatly. Pushing herself into a seated position, the baby will proceed to poke out her bottom lip and cry. Wonder why it isn't fair or proper for you to do that.

Now, you are faced with a dilemma: daughter crawling towards you needs to be removed to a safe safer location (there is no really safe place for a child outside of the arms of our King. I'm sure my children could accidentally injure themselves in a padded room wearing a straight jacket), whilst boy child should not be left alone standing in a tub of water. ... Oh, did I forget to mention aforementioned boy scalawag refuses to sit down during baths? This is one of those battles you chose not to fight. The inevitable concussion will eloquently fight this war for you soon. Reject every mothering instinct, snatch the daughter up and throw her in her crib across the hall. She will begin wailing. Return to the bathroom. In the, literally, three seconds where you are out of Noah's sight line, his universe will fold, stars will crash from the sky, and he will wail like you were gone for eons leaving him to his doom. Sigh.

Calm the child down by giving him his green hulk soap. Curious, he will rub it across his forearm. As his skin turns green he will grin jubilantly. Grin jubilantly. Sometimes it's nice to be a clever mom. Wash child with Johnson's baby soap as he continues turning his belly and right arm green. Come to the part of the bath where you must wash the boy's hair. Take a deep breath. Looking innocently in every direction but at the cup, ladle up some water. Still smiling sweetly cup your hand at the top of the child's forehead and start pouring water. Shrieking will ensue. Quickly check to make sure the contents of the cup are not in fact boiling acid masquerading as water. Wonder why child is shrieking as if being showered in boiling acid. One more cup full, and then assure the tortured soul in front of you that for the moment we are "all done". Still shushing his quivering form, lather his hair with soap. Scrub all those divinely perfect golden locks. Feel immense love in your heart. Time to rinse. Crud.

There are two options here: 1-Slowly and carefully trickle water down, trying to avoid his face while gently cooing "Almost done" repeatedly. 2-Dowse him and get it done with. Elect option two. Know everyone is judging you. Be okay with that.

Once the dowsing is complete, wrap Noah up in a towel and take him to the change table. The crying will stop when you hand him the baby lotion bottle. He considers whether to drum on the bottle or pry it open and eat the lotion. He chooses to drum. Exhale in relief. Dry him, diaper him and clothe him. Lastly, clean his ears; because the kid makes an unnatural amount of ear wax. Wonder how it is even possible that he can hear. Consider his obedience infractions over the last few weeks. Maybe he can't hear. Wouldn't that be a nice excuse instead of admitting your child has a willful sin nature.

And done. Yeah!

Step 2: Collect items for baby girl's bath: blue sink tub, washrag, duck, towel, clean clothes, diaper, soap, pacifier, water, girl. As you gather up the girl her crying will instantly stop, and she will smile at you adoringly. At once be utterly frustrated and totally smitten. Remove baby girl's clothes and diaper. Carry her into the kitchen. Notice a suddenly warm and damp patch on your belly. Yeah, she totally just pee-d on you. That's how we roll in this house. Fill the tub with water and insert baby.

Baby girl will look at water as if she has never seen this anomaly before, and will curiously poke one very articulate finger down, breaking the surface of the water. Content that it will not kill her, Hannah will raise both hands high in the air and smash them down into the tub. Remove your sopping wet shirt. Snag a dish towel from the counter and place it on the floor. You've played this game before, and there is nothing like slipping all over the kitchen while trying to carry your best baby girl back to her room. You ain't no fool. ... this time.

Proceed with the washing of girl child. She is much less a pain about the whole scenario than her brother. Of course you will not escape dry. Scrub a dub all her little baby rolls. Love her completely. Be grateful that she with all her splashing and Noah with all his shrieking have been entrusted to you with the most important charge ever given: parent. Once the bath is done, collect the hooded bath towel, and fit the little hood over her adorable noodle. While you are trying to wrap up the rest of her, she will fiercely seize the towel from her head and plunge it into the bath water. Your glare will meet her grin like a fire extinguisher in the face a flame thrower. Scoop up naked, dripping wet Hannah, cradle her to you (it all dries in the end... at least in Utah), and retrieve another towel. Dry, lotion, diaper, and clothe the baby girl. And done. Yeah!

Hear the sound of the first born playing with the bulldog, offender of all senses. Sigh.