Monday, November 16, 2015

The Promiscuous Wife: A Culture of Church Leavers

We just took another swing at a new church in Texas, and were called on strike seven. When you try seven churches without success in a new place, you begin to question whether you are perhaps being too picky, looking for something that does not exist, or even, if you are outside the will of God in this place. None of these are reasonable assumptions, but as the depressing succession of Sundays rolls past, leaving you no closer to fellowship than when you started, you do wonder.

Combine with this the struggles of the church you just left in Utah, and theories start forming in the mind. Why is it so challenging to find a "good" church? What makes a "good" church? Why do people seem to leave churches like cable companies for the next best thing? Anyone who has spent any amount of time in an evangelical christian church knows that we live in a modern culture of church leavers. When did this become not only acceptable, but our right as believers?

In Ephesians 5 the relationship between Christ and the church is given as a parallel to the relationship between husbands and wives. The church is the bride of Christ. Christ gave himself up for her, loves her, nourishes her, and is encouraging her to greater things, to a more perfect life. The church in turn offers beautiful submission to Christ, serves His plan before her own, and acts in obedience to the will of the One who gave everything for her good. It is an incredible picture of temporal marriage and eternal submission.

Why not view the relationship between a believer and the church the same way? It is not necessarily written down in Scripture, it is just my own perspective, but from my studies it seems consistent with the character of God and His plan for us.

Why it is hard to find a "good" church (and what that means):

I have heard so many people say of churches, both those following the will of God and those in disobedience in some area (or many areas), that they walked in and it just "felt right." There are many variations of this idea: "I felt such peace here", "I experienced joy here the second I came in", "the people were so kind, it felt like home". This is the love at first sight church relationship. You walk in and something elemental or temporal feeds your senses and emotions. You have an "experience" that leaves you feeling blissful, loved, and comfortable. Love at first sight in finding a church is just like love at first sight when seeing a person. You have a connection based on the appearance or demeanor of an individual that sparks an emotional response. It feels very good, and it feels very real.

But it isn't.

I'm not saying that love at first sight cannot work, but there has to be substance, character, and perseverance behind the initial experience. We love entering a new relationship and having the exciting, romantic feeling, but it will not outlast the superficialness of infatuation.

Something will happen, and the church will not "feel right" anymore. They will hire a staff member that you don't like. They will not manage funds in a way you approve. Someone will be unkind, and suddenly the church that was so loving, doesn't feel so much like home.

In relationships, this is why we have a culture where 50% of marriages end in divorce. He changes, she changes, annoying habits appear, old grudges poke out, and suddenly the emotional high of love at first sight vanishes in a cloud of the drudgery of life. Perhaps this is the same reason we change churches like we change our socks: because it was based on emotion and appearances from the beginning.

Emotions are so tempting. We visited a church that was the right size, had people our age, sang songs I knew and loved, had a dynamic time of worship, and had a women's ministry. It felt wonderful. I was thoroughly encouraged by being there. Sure, they had a woman give a devotional in authority over men. Yes, they believed in the miraculous gifts as still relevant for today. Okay, so the pastor read into the text, to pull out what he needed it to say. But it felt so wonderful. So much like home.

Justin and I will not attend that church again. Because one day they will pick a song I despise. One day one of these nice people will be a jerk. One day they will get much bigger or much smaller and it won't feel so homey. And when that day comes (as it will in every single church. Let me say it again: it will happen in every church!), there will be no reason to stay. There is no substance there, no commitment to truth, no commitment to the will of God over the tug of modern thought. So regardless of how desperate I am for a home, how desperate I am for the love of other Christians, it is better to be patient now, to avoid pain later.

And that's really why it is hard to find a church. Because you have to wait and pick the right one. Before I was married the primary piece of relational advice strong, mature Christians gave me was this: pick a man you can joyfully submit to in all things. The work of making a marriage work is a lot easier when you do it before ever walking down the aisle. I would die for my husband. I would live in poverty or pain or peril for my husband. I would live this life day to day unchanged doing dishes, vacuuming floors, and never seeing a glimmer of excitement because my husband is awesome! He strives with his every living breath to care for me as Christ cared for the church. Our marriage rocks; because we waited for substance, quality, and character.

You want to stay at your church forever? Pick a church worth staying at. Pick a good church.

And there is only one thing that makes a good church: unflinching, unwavering commitment to the complete, inerrant truth of God's word.

Everything else is in there. A church that hungrily devours the word of God will worship with passion. It doesn't matter if it is with organ or drums or guitar or didgeridoo, it will be with passion. A church in love with the Bible will love you unconditionally and forgive your faults and work to restore you to fellowship because that is what God has asked in His book. A church who knows their Bible and has let it saturate their minds to the point of effecting every decision made will handle finances, ministries, missions, and discipline in the will of God. Maybe not the way you like, but in His plan.

There is no perfect church, just like there is no perfect spouse. But pick a good one, and you will find yourself able to forgive every fault, committed to this home until the end of all things; because there is integrity under it all.

It seems like a tall order to do all this work. I already had to select a good spouse; I have to labor at finding a church too? Why bother? I can leave at any time and find one that I like better.

You work because of the reward. Because if you stick it out with your church you will grow closer to them than to your own family. They will stand by you in all things, and you will have the joy of using your gifts to bless others. You will have a place and a purpose and a hope. But even all of this is not the reward.

Your reward is that glory will be brought to the Name of our matchless, omni-loving, Creator God who bled on the cross, and defeated death for the sake of your one spirit. You will bring Him glory. And that is enough. That is enough to persevere. That is enough to struggle.

That ought to be enough to not step out on your church. I am guilty of it. Maybe there is something better out there, people our age, people like us, better worship, more moving sermons, convenient Bible study times, something else. I'm not saying it is adultery to visit another church. I'm saying it is adultery to visit another church with the intention of finding something better for yourself. It all comes back to selfishness. What about my needs? My preferences? My friends? What about my style, my voice, my heart? He was mean, she is boring, they are different. It doesn't suit me.

The reason God did not make me a pastor's wife is because I'm mean. He is working on me. But it's a process. So here it is: the mean:

Tough.

He wronged me.

Tough. That's your church. Take some initiative. Take some responsibility. Fix it. Don't abandon your marriage church because of one slight. Not because of two. Not because of seventy times seven (Matthew 18). It is not about you. It is about God's will: unity in the body (Ephesians 4). It is about the love of Christ covering a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4). Forgive as Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4).

I don't like the pastor's preaching.

Tough. Does he speak the truth? Does he challenge you to live your new life in Christ? Are you doing your part to study what he says, to read for yourself, to apply it daily, to meditate on his words and more importantly The Word all week? Your preference for his style is not reason enough to step out on your family. Tough.

I don't like all that clamor they call worship.

Tough. Do they praise the name of Jesus? Are you doing your part to fall flat on your face before God and pour out every blessing and adoration of which your human brain can conceive regardless of the clamor you yourself may be? I don't like his voice would not be a good enough reason to step out on your husband, don't use it to weasel out on your church.

Just like there is only one thing that makes a good church, there is only one reason for leaving a church: Failure of the leadership to adore the Word of God. If they let gross sin reign in the body, or if they teach any doctrine other than what is printed in the sixty-six books of God's revealed Bible, you get an out. That's it. And you best be about addressing the problem before sneaking off like a coward.

Too mean?

Sorry.

My point is this: God takes marriage seriously. He says he hates divorce (Malachi 2). He refuses to listen to men's prayers when they do not honor their wives (1 Peter 3). Marriage is the first divine institution He establishes, and He deems it physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually a union not to be broken by men (Genesis 2). He takes purity in marriage seriously.

Perhaps if we viewed our relationship with our church as a marriage, we would begin to understand God's heart for our church and for us. He takes our choice to participate in the local body seriously. He gave us gifts for our church and for His glory. He gives us brothers and sisters so that the world might see His divine love and compassion poured out. When we leave our home, God takes it seriously. His will is this: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." (Romans 12:18) The call is somber, but the reward is joy. Love your church, friends. Really really love them. Understand the will of God. Really really really love.

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