Moments later he dashed around the corner, he threw me a quick (and from my many years of interpreting his moods I could also tell an incredibly annoyed) smile. He ran into the dugout, threw his stuff down, grabbed a bat and went to hit. I wish I’d kept clearer mental notes on the whole matter, but I believe he wasn’t even wearing his cleats. The pitch arced toward him, my husband: 1) kept his shoulder up, 2) broke his wrists, 3) opened his hips, 4) directed the pent up frustration of a, as I would come to find out, incredibly stupid, waste-of-time orientation to school into the small cylindrical object hurtling at him 5) hit it out of the park.
I considered this to be a good sign.
*****
Homework started, and there were longer work hours to make up for class time. Noah didn’t sleep through the night until eleven weeks. My exhausted husband would struggle out of bed at 4:30 in the morning after having baby cries wake him up several times during the night. Sure, I was the one getting up and doing the feeding, but I also got to sleep in during those first few months. Saturday became homework day. Justin would sit at the computer in our office (which was in the third upstairs bedroom), while Noah and I played on the floor. Upon further assessment, this was not the best plan. Noah would wriggle over to Justin and beg to be picked up. I’m sure me reading “The Little Blue Truck” helped not at all with the studying of muscular anatomy. But we wanted to be close to him. We missed him. It felt like we never saw him…
But life went on. We weren’t struggling. We managed.
And then I got sick.
*****
I just threw up. ALL.THE.TIME. People needing IVs during pregnancy, who threw up for the better part of nine months, really shouldn't have to keep throwing up after the baby is born. That's why we have the baby: so the vomit stops.
I had scans and tests of every kind completed. I tried every conceivable form of tums known to man. Finally, I dumped my doctor, and made a last ditch effort by seeing a new family practice physician.
"Have you tried stopping your birth control?" he suggested. The nursing-safe birth control works by altering the body's levels of progesterone (progesterone being the very same hormone that gets all wonky whilest folk are pregnant). Well, that does make sense.
We stopped birth control.
I felt much better.
Until six weeks later when inexplicably I started feeling very sick again.
I remember looking at the pregnancy stick (which I'd swear I was going to have to start buying in bulk). I remember thinking, "This is good. You get a baby. This is God's plan. He will provide." ...And then I broke down sobbing. Because there's a limit to how much optimism you can conjure up in the face of a terrifying unknown.
But life goes on. It can't very well not. And with prayer and patience (which was growing by the grace of God) I found joy. We would manage.
*****
A few months later, my mom went to urgent care. This isn't a big deal. We go to urgent care more often than we eat out. Except this time it was a big deal. My mom had a heart attack. The day after mother's day. Justin was off to work and then to class. I wept, afraid and alone. I couldn't do this by myself. I couldn't stand alone.
But life went on. With worship and faith (which was growing greater every troubled moment), I found peace and courage. We would manage. We were not alone.
*****
Justin finished his first year of nursing school with a 4.0 GPA. My husband has always struggled in school. This was grace and peace and hope. This was joy. God had brought us through a hard year. We would stand. We were not alone.
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
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