"I knew God was at work. I knew He was involved in people's lives. I just never imagined to see it so clearly in our own story. I never expected miracles, even though I prayed for them. And He has woven this all together so much better than I dreamed or prayed."
*****
At the end of Justin's second year of graduate school, when he was killing himself to get in fifteen hours a week at work, I was called into my boss' office. As I stepped in the door, I took in her dead expression, the unusual silence, and the face of a woman, who I'd never seen before. Her badge gave her name and her department: "Human Resources." My stomach churned. Shakily, I slid into the available seat. I maintained strict eye contact as my boss began speaking. Ok, that's a lie. I stared at a tiny spot just between her eyebrows, and took deep breaths. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I portray emotion in front of other people. It's a neurosis of pride and control. You will not move me. You have no authority over me. I am stronger than this moment.
After five years, the decision had been made that a nurse should be hired to handle my completely administrative position over hospital policy. I was receiving a month's severance pay. Thank you for all your work. Leave your badge with the secretary.
I drove home in anger. It's a long drive. I arrived home relieved. I had been searching for a way out. I had been searching for a new challenge, a job I could love, a job with opportunity for pay advancement, a job that could carry us if Justin just couldn't keep working.
It was a strangely reflective moment as I calmly told Justin that I was out of work. I felt hopeful, I felt courageous. If I closed my eyes, I thought I might actually see my faith growing before me. This trouble was making me new. And I had perfect peace that our Captain's mighty hand was working and would continue providing.
He had given me a whole month to job search. He had given me a whole month, and a whole summer month at that, to play with my children, to watch them grow, to watch myself be made new.
*****
However, regardless of the hope we maintain, our humanity sometimes oversteps it's bounds and renews fear and worry. I was driving to pick up my children. My month was almost over. There had been many applications and many interviews, but as of yet, no offers. I started to ponder what we would do if I couldn't find work. I couldn't stand the thought of Justin having to quit school in order to provide for our family. We had endured so much, sacrificed so much to get him this far. It would destroy me if he had to quit. I prayed fervently as I drove. The worry was consuming me.
I remember looking up at the light. I remember recognizing that it was red. I also, distinctly remember having no idea what a red light might mean, or what action I might need to take in response. It was only as a car pulled into the intersection moments later, that my brain screamed, "STOP!"
Of course, it was too late at this point. The screech of tires was followed by the crunching of metal on metal and the shatter of glass. The shrieking of my horrified mind shouted, "Not now! Don't do this to my husband now! Please let this be a nightmare!"
It wasn't. I had broadsided another car. The woman was fine, but screamed at me like I had just killed her entire family and set her house on fire. As the police cleared things away, I had no choice, but to pray for her. I prayed for her well-being, for the insurance company to be kind and fair to her, and with a deep breath, I prayed that I would see her in eternity, that her life would be changed by the God of grace and mercy, that true peace and true joy would fill her world.
I don't know if any of my prayers were answered. But I know I was made new. Our Captain gave me a heart of forgiveness and compassion. He had faithfully planned that my children would not be in the car, that neither of us would be injured, and then he provided miraculously for the future, by way of a car accident.
*****
Justin and I were driving to the grocery store in the jeep. It decided to take us all the way there, for which we were both grateful. Justin got a call from the insurance adjuster. I nervously began drumming my fingers on the steering wheel. This could be bad. Head tipped to the side, I tried to hear what the man was telling my husband. Suddenly Justin's face turned sunny, I could tell he was trying to not sound overly excited on the phone, but he threw up the money sign with a grin.
The car God allowed me to destroy was relatively new for us, less than six months old. We used our tax return and some savings and paid $7,000 for it. As Justin hung up the phone he did a little dance. "Well? What's got you so chipper?" I asked impatiently.
"The car is totalled," he responded. That did not sound good. Great, I thought sadly. Now my husband is losing touch with reality, and I'm going to have to have him committed. "They are going to cut us a check for the value of the car minus our $500 deductible."
He's not so great with the spitting-out-of-it. With ever deepening confusion, I glanced over at him. "The check is going to be about $11,000."
My brain flat-lined. I was almost sure he had spoken in the English language, using standard ordinal numbers, but for some reason it wasn't computing. He grinned, "Thank you for crashing our car."
I do what I can.
It's very little really. God does what He can, which is a lot. And he used what I perceived as disaster to put $11,000 in our bank account. The woman who finished driving to the grocery store was not the woman who left her home fifteen minutes earlier. This new woman trusted her God infinitely more, she was braver, happier, and was beginning to realize how much bigger her God is.
*****
But we still needed a car. As we drove from lot to lot trying on more cars than the Mad Hatter has hats, I got a call. It was from a potential employer. He thought the interview went very well, he believed I would be an excellent choice for the position, could I start on July 16th? (The final pay period of severance and paying out vacation from my previous position ended on July 15th. I wouldn't even miss a paycheck.) The only downside was the job was only for 30 hours per week. Thirty hours was better than nothing. I accepted the position. Justin and I bought a car. After taxes, registration, and fees, the car cost us $8,000. We still had $3,000 in the bank, I had a job, Justin was still working.
God brought us through. He provided. It was a good day to worship.
*****
Rumors had been circulating about Justin's school. There had been a major legal issue on the East coast. Mucky mucks had mismanaged funds ('mismanaged' being a euphemism for 'stole, cheated, lied, thieved') and many of the campuses were closing. The administration at Justin's campus assured the students that it had absolutely nothing to do with them. He continued on with his classes, struggling, passing, holding on, sleeping not at all, seeing us very little. But we had renewed hope.
My new employer called again. With a pleading in his voice he asked if I might just possibly be able to work 40 hours per week instead at least for now, pretty please.
Well, I suppose, if you twist my arm, yes I could work full time and provide for my family. If I have to.
Our Captain was doing amazing things. We would make it through. It was another good day to worship.
*****
The school is closing.
I'm sorry, what?
Closing. The school will close its doors on June 30th, 2015.
(I did some quick calculations on my fingers.)
That leaves Justin three quarters away from his degree.
True.
That's not fair. We have sacrificed. We have given up everything little thing we could give up. He has suffered. It isn't fair. Did we just waste two years of our life? Did we just waste $25,000? How could this happen?
Can you trust me?
What other choice do I have?
Can you trust me because you want to trust me? Can you wait and see what I will do?
*****
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
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