"When you are so outnumbered, so unable to complete that impossible task, so in over your head that you couldn't see the light of day even if you tried, you are exactly where God wants you. This is a God who loves weakness; because His strength is perfected in weakness."
"The way we stand now has every bearing on the way this thing is going to end up."
"And so I ask you, what is your 300?"
Gideon - Priscilla Shirer
*****
Justin's school gave the students several options. Students who elected to leave the program would be refunded all of their tuition. There was another school (the only other school in the state) that offered a BSN in nursing and would accept their credits. Neither of these situations was ideal. Who knew how long another program would take, or even if they would take on new students in this unique situation. We couldn't give another 4-5 years to finding a new nursing program, applying, finishing it and doing clinicals. Justin didn't have the energy. I didn't have the heart.
Then, I came home one day from my new job and Justin was working out numbers on a scrap of paper. I recognized our mortgage amount, groceries, bills, petrol. He was working out our financial life on the back of a scrap of paper. I sat down across from him, and with a certain amount of hesitation he told me that there was another option. We had over a year and a half more of schooling before Justin's anticipated graduation date. After much discussion, the professors had decided to create a "teach out" program for those remaining students who had enough credits completed. The teach out would be under nine months. They would have the same amount of course work, the same number of clinical hours, and the same testing/grading requirements. It would all be compressed into half the normal amount of time. If Justin had failed even one class, this would not even be an option.
On that scrap of paper Justin was calculating our financial life without his income for at least nine months. There was no way he could work and finish school. We looked at the paper. It was not possible. If we cut out every extra, clung to only the bare necessities, if we strategized and schemed with every trick we had in our arsenal, it would still be impossible. Our only hope was to cling to the One who knew this was the plan all along. It was possible; because our Captain had crashed our car, and filled our bank account with an unexpected $3,000. It was possible; because he had endeared me to absolute strangers, encouraging them to allow me to work full time instead of thirty hours a week. It was possible because with Him all things are possible, nothing is a surprise, and His infinite love had this end in mind all along. For us, the utterly unattainable became possible in the hands of God.
The girl I was even just a year earlier would have wept with fear, clawed for a handhold of control, prayed for some manner of divine deliverance.
The woman I was becoming felt excitement, the thrill of joy, and knelt with the understanding that this was divine deliverance. He had sent it before I even asked. I set my face to the year approaching and smiled. The woman who emerged from this at the end of June 2015 would be made of other metals than earth. I waited for my God to make me anew.
*****
A few weeks before the nine months of need and loneliness and single-parenting, I began a women's Bible study at my home church. It was Priscilla Shirer's Gideon. It seemed that every word she spoke was fashioned in the mind of God to arm me for the coming year. In the depths of God's word, buried in a story of blood, and men, and darkness, I was made brave. I waited, filled with faith I had never known before, to see a miracle.
If we came out of this with a nursing degree, and our bills paid, and my sanity in place, and our convictions firm, it would be nothing less than the miraculous hand of God. I had no doubt that I was waiting to see My Captain move.
*****
But it did suck. I mean, it really sucked.
And then things started breaking again. Our shower stopped working. Our garbage disposal went out. (And after the incident linked above, it really went out. It was dead. Badly dead.) The jeep kept randomly giving up the ghost. I was so alone I could choke on it, my throat sticky and coarse with the emptiness of my heart. My daughter scratched at her broken skin like it was not made for her. My son refused to eat. And got sick. A lot.
But I waited for my miracles. Because a woman remade by the rushing spirit of her King does not despair. Hope does not disappoint. I waited for my God to move.
*****
And every single moment when the need threatened to overwhelm me, he moved. Gifts from friends, family, and strangers poured over us. Groceries appeared, gift cards, cash. The joy of using a gift card to fill my gas tank was so overwhelming, I did a little dance at the pump (thankfully at 5:00 in the morning, no one observed my temporary lunacy). Our family pooled their resources and bought us a new garbage disposal. The jeep suddenly started working... at least a little better. Justin used a golf tee to fix the shower (and it worked!). Noah brought me fresh amazement and delight at every moment. Hannah brought me courage and laughter. When darkness befell a friend's marriage, light and renewed commitment engulfed ours.
I lived day to day. God moved day to day. I thought, if I had an out of body experience, I would actually be able to watch myself growing in the Spirit.
*****
On the advice of our pediatrician, I took Hannah to get tested for allergies. After the feeling of powerlessness and annoyance faded, I finally got the paperwork finished and we received our first shipment of formula. My baby girl loved it. She guzzled it down. And her skin started to improve. We removed all wheat, milk, soy, peanuts, and eggs from her diet. We steered her clear of latex. Suddenly, looking into her big blue eyes my heart wasn't broken by her skin. Out of curiosity, I looked at her formula online. One case of four fourteen ounce cans cost $155 plus tax and shipping from the UK. Every month we received fifteen cans for free. Because Justin had to quit his job, I was given a way to provide quality nutrition for my daughter. In silence I worshipped, unable to speak at the beautiful and ironic thought that my God was providing for my children by making us flat broke.
*****
Every month we were bleeding money. The crash savings was dwindling. Then I went to pay the mortgage, and it had magically increased by over $250 per month. The most dismal of all illusions. It was such a small thing when taken in consideration with everything God had accomplished thus far, but it was a blow to our delicate reality. It took active, mind bending work, to continue trusting my God to provide.
*****
Our tax return came: $7,000.
I looked up at my God, speechless. Um... thanks. I don't think Shakespeare could have conjured up the eloquence deserved by the Almighty.
*****
June came. And there we stood, looking down the last month of this tribulation. Justin had survived. He passed all of his classes. His professors all loved him. He learned more than I could ever dream of knowing. My heart swelled with pride every time I saw him.
Hannah's vocabulary boomed. She said the most hysterical and sweetest things a mommy's ears ever heard. She continued to wash my world with goodness and sunlight.
Noah broke out of his frozen state... a little. He started talking to anyone who would listen about trains and fish and Jonah. And then, one day, he pointed to a picture and said, "Cross. Jesus died on the cross." Wide-eyed I asked him who Jesus is. "Jesus is God," he replied simply.
The woman I saw in the mirror looked exactly the same as the one I encountered a year earlier (which I suppose was a miracle in itself, no gray, no worry weight, no wrinkles, the same twinge of an attitude problem glimmering in her rebellious eyes). But I was not the same. "She has a passion for God; because she has seen God move. The reason she has seen God move is because she allows herself to be put in situations where God has to move," Priscilla Shirer.
We had some money in the bank. We booked a vacation. There would be much dancing and frivality. The celebration would be massive.
But first, we had to pass the exit HESI. We needed His great mercy and grace one more time...
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea.
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well.
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name.
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