The Cup Game

We used to have animal planet and no children. I watched a lot of gazelles being eaten by lions, super fishermen using themselves as pirannah bait, and stupid pet tricks. In some ways I feel my son has saved me from a mind-numbed fate. There was one show called "It's Me or the Dog" with a British dog trainer named Victoria. Victoria could take an untrained junkyard dog with neurological issues and have him sipping tea from a porcelain cup and peeing in the toilet... with the door closed... and washing his paws with little rose shaped soaps when he was done.

Victoria never met Dumpster.

Dumpster is an Olde English Bulldog, and a living testament to his name. He reminds everyone who meets him that once his kind was used to herd bulls, primarily by latching onto their throats and dragging them into a pen with a righteously indignant 'Woof'. He is a purebred, but we can't breed him. We took care of that a few years ago in hopes that he would mellow out enough to stop eating our apartment like it was made out of ginerbread and peanut butter. A tally of what this dog has consumed would include: two couches, three dining room chairs, several feet of drywall, three choclate chip cookies, a string of Christmas lights, inumerable shoes, and about 18 remote controls. Honestly, it is like the remote control graveyard in our basement. If Dumpy barks too close to the TV, the channel changes.

Dumpster weighs approximately 80 pounds, 90% of which is centered in his shoulders and head, giving him a battering ram look. If the orcs broke Grond trying to smash down the doors of Minas Tirith, Dumpster would be a good substitute. And then, once inside he would lick all the Gondorian soldiers to death. Despite his ferociousness toward remotes, he really is nothing but a big sweetheart. BIG sweetheart. With claws that he can't seem to control.

There was a bully on "It's me or the dog" who was similarly sized to Dumpster and played very rough. Victoria suggested a new kind of play for this dog that discouraged tugging, jumping, and maiming. She called it the cup game. The idea is, you place down three cups, one with a treat under it. Slide the cups around to mix them up, puppy tries to guess where the treat is, and when she figures it out, happiness ensues. Excitedly I got my cups and a little treat, set everything up, and called for Dumpster.

He bounded into the kitchen, stepped on one of the cups, and gave me a giant slurp across the face.

Okay, no plastic cups. I got out real cups, showed Dumpster the treat (this heated things up real quick), showed him how I was 'hiding' it under a cup, mixed them up, and then let him at them. At first things seemed to be going well. He sniffed vigorously at each cup. Then he sniffed the floor around the cups, under the table, and his own backside. I felt sorry for the big dummy. I removed one of the cups and let him try again. He was equally confused. Somehow mommy just had a treat and made it vanish. No fair! With a shake of my head, I removed another cup, showed him the treat again and put the cup down over it. He sniffed circles all over the kitchen, ran headlong into a dining room chair, and then started sniffing off into the living room.

I stared at him with astonishment on my face. My dog is too dumb for the cup game! One cup! There was only one cup to work with, and he couldn't handle it. In shock I lifted the cup and allowed Dumpy his treat.

So we are sadly back to tugging, jumping, and maiming as our primary form of play. Now that I think about it, though, maybe if we put a remote control under a cup, we would have better success...

And if anyone needs to buy a us a present, a Best Buy giftcard is always welcome. Or a new remote, we generally buy Logitech. Dumpy finds it has a nice battery acid bouquet.

(We don't make a habit of putting clothes on Dumpy. He would just eat them. The hat was a gift, and it stayed on for about 5 seconds.)